The sky was angry last night.
She huffed and puffed and found her way in.
I didn't see it but I imagine the grey
Rolling into black as she lost it.
Feverish rattling of bones turned into
A feverish heart beat then a thud thud thud
On the doors of our hearts. Thunder
Came crashing in around our ears.
We pulled the blanket tighter but kept
One eye open to view the damage -
The blazing flashes of vicious light
Seeping round the blinds, crept
From behind the curtains, warning
'Here it comes, here it comes
'Ready or not, I'm coming for you.'
She rolled her eyes at my audacity
Rolled her tongue around the cruellest words
Spat them out at me, at us.
She railed and rallied on and on,
'Stop talking, stop talking! Be quiet!
'You will be silent and hear me roar,
'Hear what I have to say - what I think
'Of you, down here, down there
'Little person, tiny, insignificant.
'You mean so little and I mean more!'
She was so mean. What did it mean?
Was I so incomprehensibly offensive?
So outrageously vile and incompetent
To provoke this rage? A disappointment?
No point in trying now; what's the use.
I'll never be enough. Never good enough.
So I sigh quietly to myself, mutter
Nothings under my breath so she will not hear
And I will not be here anymore.
I'll sink into the darkness, the gloom
Gathered all around me. The soft arms
Of Forgetting and Pretending
Will hold me tight. Their arms
Are the only ones who can hold me now.
I give up trying to be me. I give in
To the oblivion that remains.
I'll close my ears so I don't have to hear
Her voice demanding something
I can never give; criticising my every word.
No deed good enough. No, indeed.
I'll close my eyes so I don't have to see
The disappointment, bitterness and rage
On her angry face displayed.
In the silence, in the dark I'll stay.
I'll stay here, quietly until it's all over.
It will be over, won't it? One day?
Please don't let it be long, not too long.
I close my heart so she can't find it,
Can't snatch it away from me,
Can't crush it in her punishing hands.
I'll hide it here, deep in the shadows
Where no one can see it. Nor me.
I'll close my mouth so I cannot say
The things that offend her,
The words that enrage and defy her.
Her precious will, will not be done.
No one could ever achieve it,
Least of all I, a small person
No bigger than a mustard seed.
I'll lay on the ground here in the dark,
Close my ears and eyes and mouth.
I'll close my heart and my self. Away.
Away from view. Out of sight.
If they can't see me I cannot bother them.
I'll be someone else. The someone
They want me to be. I'll die here.
Send a proxy to take my place -
Let her deal with the thunder,
The lightening, the pressing rain
Falling in torrents, like my tears.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
The sky was angry last night -
She poured her rage down on me
And I drowned. In cold waters.
Deep. Fathomless. Falling, falling
Ever in motion. Still as the Earth.
Quiet. Oh, so quiet.
