Saturday 7 November 2015
Friday 4 September 2015
Love you, bye
She waves.
Her teeny hand,
those soft exploring fingers, waggling in the air.
Her smile strong and forceful,
saying 'I see you', 'I love you'.
Her eyes bright
full of trust and excitement,
passionate and confident,
She sends her love via those fingers, that hand
From her heart to ours.
'Love you mama', 'Love you dadee'.
Our hearts swoon over her knowingness
and soar over her depth of feeling.
Our baby.
Our little girl.
So precious. So special.
Unique and utterly wonderful.
Her teeny hand,
those soft exploring fingers, waggling in the air.
Her smile strong and forceful,
saying 'I see you', 'I love you'.
Her eyes bright
full of trust and excitement,
passionate and confident,
She sends her love via those fingers, that hand
From her heart to ours.
'Love you mama', 'Love you dadee'.
Our hearts swoon over her knowingness
and soar over her depth of feeling.
Our baby.
Our little girl.
So precious. So special.
Unique and utterly wonderful.
Monday 15 June 2015
Trigeminal
Note to my partner & carer:
'I am experiencing insufferable pain right now. The constant pulsing, infernal razorblades dancing up and down my face, cutting into my jaw and cheek and tongue and up in rabid darts to my poor, poor temples; the raging fire that engulfs the whole left side of my face and the evil persistence of it all, means that I cannot and do not want to move or speak as that will make it worse.
I do not want to be touched except with one STILL calming hand somewhere far away from my face, head and shoulders.
I cannot feed the baby on my left side and want her exploring hands and bullish head nowhere near my left side and face. If she NEEDS to feed, I can suffer her on my right side only, if she remains relatively still.
The pain is going on for ages, 30-60 minutes, so even though I may have stopped screaming, swearing or crying, please know that unless I move myself, it is ongoing and I do not want the covers or pillows or anything around me moved.
I know this is difficult for you and the baby but there is nothing I can do about that right now.
I am struggling to cope and too often think about how I might end it all. This is insufferable. unbearable and I am losing hope that I can be healed or heal myself. I feel as though the universe is against me, holding me here like some god-forsaken lab rat, injecting me with more and more pain. I cannot believe how harsh it is and that it keeps getting more so, instead of easing off.
I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to cope with it and still live a life worth living. I don't know how anyone is supposed to deal with this level of pain.
All I can do, all I feel I can do right now is try to breathe through it and make what I can of the precious little time in between. If this makes me less of a partner and parent, I am deeply sorry for that, but this is all I can do at the moment. There's the arthritic pain underneath as well but right now I can't focus on that much.
I have asked so much of you already, I know, but the following things might help to at least make life easier in the short term:
- an armchair for the bedroom and another for the living area so I can spend less time in bed and feel a little more able to move around the flat
- an insulated mug so I can drink my teas and stop wasting them or asking for so many refills
I may have to get myself a walking stick too as I need to be able to move around easier. It'll be sad but I have to face up to how things are now, not how I hope they'll be in the future.
Thanks for reading and for all your support. I know it's incredibly hard for you too and I truly appreciate all you do x'
'I am experiencing insufferable pain right now. The constant pulsing, infernal razorblades dancing up and down my face, cutting into my jaw and cheek and tongue and up in rabid darts to my poor, poor temples; the raging fire that engulfs the whole left side of my face and the evil persistence of it all, means that I cannot and do not want to move or speak as that will make it worse.
I do not want to be touched except with one STILL calming hand somewhere far away from my face, head and shoulders.
I cannot feed the baby on my left side and want her exploring hands and bullish head nowhere near my left side and face. If she NEEDS to feed, I can suffer her on my right side only, if she remains relatively still.
The pain is going on for ages, 30-60 minutes, so even though I may have stopped screaming, swearing or crying, please know that unless I move myself, it is ongoing and I do not want the covers or pillows or anything around me moved.
I know this is difficult for you and the baby but there is nothing I can do about that right now.
I am struggling to cope and too often think about how I might end it all. This is insufferable. unbearable and I am losing hope that I can be healed or heal myself. I feel as though the universe is against me, holding me here like some god-forsaken lab rat, injecting me with more and more pain. I cannot believe how harsh it is and that it keeps getting more so, instead of easing off.
I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to cope with it and still live a life worth living. I don't know how anyone is supposed to deal with this level of pain.
All I can do, all I feel I can do right now is try to breathe through it and make what I can of the precious little time in between. If this makes me less of a partner and parent, I am deeply sorry for that, but this is all I can do at the moment. There's the arthritic pain underneath as well but right now I can't focus on that much.
I have asked so much of you already, I know, but the following things might help to at least make life easier in the short term:
- an armchair for the bedroom and another for the living area so I can spend less time in bed and feel a little more able to move around the flat
- an insulated mug so I can drink my teas and stop wasting them or asking for so many refills
I may have to get myself a walking stick too as I need to be able to move around easier. It'll be sad but I have to face up to how things are now, not how I hope they'll be in the future.
Thanks for reading and for all your support. I know it's incredibly hard for you too and I truly appreciate all you do x'
Tuesday 27 January 2015
We Are Our Own Children
Right now, I am reading an astoundingly accurate and insightful analysis of the dysfunctinal but perhaps necessary parent/adult-child relationship in this extract from an article in the wonderful quarterly magazine, Fathers.
The extract is written as one paragraph but I've split it into three to highlight and reflect on three distinct and integrated concepts that resonate emphatically with me.
From: Zbyszek Milunski, interview by Jacek Santorski; Fathers Quarterly, pilot issue 2015; www.fathersquarterly.com
"I once read a quote from an African healer who claimed that we ourselves are the place where our ancestors can realize what they have done, and thus become a positive force for the future. I think that kind of consciousness is an extremely important part of the intergenerational process, since most of us sever our ties with our parents because we're critical of them.
Perhaps that stage is a necessary part of our culture if we want it to develop. but I think that there comes a time when you have to mature enough to accept your parent, be it your mother or your father. They are our co-constituents, which means that if we're too critical of one of them, then we're also too critical of ourselves, which hampers our development.
There comes a time in your adult live [sic] when you just have to cut your parents some slack and let them be themselves. That's an important change, because the way it usually works is that we unconsciously treat ourselves the way we were treated as children. It's often the case that an adult who hates his parent treats both himself and his parent the way he was treated as a child..."
1) The idea of inter-generational shared suffering and thus how healing oneself can simultaneously heal all sorts of past suffering and pain.
2) I have spent most of my life criticising my parents and it's only been in recent years that I realised it was myself I was judging more than them. After all, judging others makes no difference whatsoever to the offending behaviour. Realising and observing the magnitude and harshness of one's self criticism is enlightening and full of sadness, particularly when one has their own child and couldn't imagine treating their own offspring with anything but love and kindness. After all, we are our own children and would do well if we treated ourselves with the respect, admiration and care that we lavish (or at least intend to lavish) on our own dear children.
3) Going through the stages of realising my harsh critique of my parents was unjust and often unfounded in truth; making the space to forgive them and myself whilst realising there is no real need for forgiveness as we all simply do the best we can with what we are given; acknowledging that there is no need or call for blame, shame and guilt in a world where life happens the way it will happen often quite regardless of our desires, hopes and actions, I came to see that the way I treat and value my self is paramount if I am to grow and develop in the wise and loving way I long to.
Rache x
The extract is written as one paragraph but I've split it into three to highlight and reflect on three distinct and integrated concepts that resonate emphatically with me.
From: Zbyszek Milunski, interview by Jacek Santorski; Fathers Quarterly, pilot issue 2015; www.fathersquarterly.com
"I once read a quote from an African healer who claimed that we ourselves are the place where our ancestors can realize what they have done, and thus become a positive force for the future. I think that kind of consciousness is an extremely important part of the intergenerational process, since most of us sever our ties with our parents because we're critical of them.
Perhaps that stage is a necessary part of our culture if we want it to develop. but I think that there comes a time when you have to mature enough to accept your parent, be it your mother or your father. They are our co-constituents, which means that if we're too critical of one of them, then we're also too critical of ourselves, which hampers our development.
There comes a time in your adult live [sic] when you just have to cut your parents some slack and let them be themselves. That's an important change, because the way it usually works is that we unconsciously treat ourselves the way we were treated as children. It's often the case that an adult who hates his parent treats both himself and his parent the way he was treated as a child..."
1) The idea of inter-generational shared suffering and thus how healing oneself can simultaneously heal all sorts of past suffering and pain.
2) I have spent most of my life criticising my parents and it's only been in recent years that I realised it was myself I was judging more than them. After all, judging others makes no difference whatsoever to the offending behaviour. Realising and observing the magnitude and harshness of one's self criticism is enlightening and full of sadness, particularly when one has their own child and couldn't imagine treating their own offspring with anything but love and kindness. After all, we are our own children and would do well if we treated ourselves with the respect, admiration and care that we lavish (or at least intend to lavish) on our own dear children.
3) Going through the stages of realising my harsh critique of my parents was unjust and often unfounded in truth; making the space to forgive them and myself whilst realising there is no real need for forgiveness as we all simply do the best we can with what we are given; acknowledging that there is no need or call for blame, shame and guilt in a world where life happens the way it will happen often quite regardless of our desires, hopes and actions, I came to see that the way I treat and value my self is paramount if I am to grow and develop in the wise and loving way I long to.
Rache x
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